H: Hey. Quiet down, you barbarians.
(cheers, whoops)
K: Shit. You show 'em a little skin, and -
(laughter, glove-applause)
H: We're gonna get started. You know who we are, and I guess you even recognize some of our... special guests -
Audience member 1: Lemme at him! The skinny one!
(laughter)
H: You'll get your chance. Afterward. Okay - we're not going to give our captives the privilege of knowing our names. The shock might be too much for 'em.
(glove-applause)
H: I'm gonna moderate this mess. To my right, you all know... M -
(sustained glove-applause)
M: Enough, already.
H: Maybe you'd better hold your glove-applause. I know all of these ticklers deserve it -
(cheering)
H: But we'll be here all fuckin' night.
Audience member 2: Dibs on the biker's feet!(laughter)
M: I don't think so.
(loud laughter)
K: That wrangler's armpits are never gonna be the same, when I -
H: Alright. Jeez... Moving on down, the one and only K. And then, of course, my good friend T.
(sustained glove-applause)
H: The captives need no introduction, or don't deserve one anyway. Two of 'em were fuckin' stupid enough to put their pictures on web pages. They were bagged a few days after their "Ticklefest" in Chicago.
(booing)
H: Humans only. What a crock of shit -
(laughter)
H: But they're all rested up now. Gonna get some real excitement. Mister 'Most Ticklish', here, was ridden hard by the cowboy. Guess neither one's gonna be doing any switch-hitting for the next week or so -
(cheering, glove-applause)
H: And the tattooed scumbag was brought all the way from California. This is his, uh, first group appearance in a long fuckin' time, outside his own bedroom... so y'all be gentle.
(loud laughter)
H: Well, I think we've freaked 'em out well enough. They'll listen real good... Ticklers, here's your first question. What is your very favorite moment in the process, and has it changed since you were rookies?
K: Oh, wow.
H: M?
M: Uh... Shit. I can only pick one, huh?
(laughter)
H: C'mon. We'll come back to you. T?
T: When I started, it was definitely the second just before. You know. If he's blindfolded, he has no fuckin' idea what's about to happen. No matter how wild he was to get free, it's nothing compared to that involuntary fight that starts... when I do.
Audience member 3: hear hear!
T: Yeah. And if he can see what's about to royally kick his ass, that... calm before the storm thing is a little better informed.
(laughter)
T: I still like that moment. A lot. One of us knows what will happen - totally believes it - and it sure as hell ain't him.
(glove-applause)
T: And now, I'm real fond of the times when I go from one feather to two, or two gloves to... eight. It's like telling him hey, it's gonna get so much worse now. And his eyes say yeah, dammit, I know.
(laughter)
H: Excellent. K?
K: The second morning. And the third -
(laughter)
K: When they just come to. Y'know? Oh, fuck - No! - I'm still here!
(glove-applause)
K: Ain't over. The bad dream is still goin' on, and it could keep goin' on... forever. Yeah.
Audience member 4: And it will!
K: Thank you.
(laughter)
K: That's always been my favorite time, though I'm with M - it's a tough call, sometimes. Oh. wait. When you grab a guy's arms that you've fucked with before, maybe a few times. He just starts to realize it's you again. And what's in store. That's real hard to beat, too.
H: You ready, M?
M: I like their answers -
(laughter)
M: But you wanna know what the real peak is, for me. Huh. Okay. Let me set this up... You've been diggin' in hard for a few minutes - probably it depends on how much energy he wasted trying to get free. So this is usually at the start of the day. Five minutes in, maybe ten. And it needs to be solid tickling. If you like to ramp it up slowly, this could take an hour. But he really throws his head back, no other wiggling around, and kicks out that pure, lusty roaring -
(glove-applause)
M: He's telling me hey, boss, I can't take this. It's more... scrambling, wild, crazy-making than anything I know. You're driving me out of my mind, and I know now that I'm not getting away from your mutherfuckin' hands -
(glove-applause, cheering)
M: In other words... you won.
H: Hooo-oooooo. Good stuff. Next question - what possible victims are the most surprised to get caught? K, you want this one?
K: The more arrogant, the better. Frat boys.
(laughter)
H: M?
M: Aw, now, I think my preference for bikers is obvious.
(glove-applause)
H: Sure. And T?
T: Hmmmm. Jocks and felons are... shocked. That's a rush. No doubt there... You know, I've had a lot more fun than I expected with ordinary Joes. Some of the bodybuilders and one-percenters are on to us -
(booing, laughter)
T: Well, c'mon, admit it. You fuckers have been busy.
(sustained laughter)
T: I like to think there's a false sense of security in the run-of-the-mill dudes. They're not ever gonna look like 'roid-heads, or move around like Jet Li. Maybe they're creeping up on forty and they - hey, don't laugh until you tried it! There's usually this calm, defeatist attitude I can really fuckin' use. Don't let the older guys off the hook.
(glove-applause)
T: What I'm saying is don't write off the guys who... fade into the crowd. You want ones that work out, but of course you're gonna become their ultra-personal trainer anyway -
(laughter)
T: So long as they don't have some fuckin' drug habit, the sky's the limit. That's what I found. And the savvy ones expect you to grab the nearest biker instead -
K: Or the running back.
H: No more running for him -
(laughter, booing)
H: Sorry. Couldn't resist. Next one... Ticklers, what's a good average duration, from the time you catch him to the time you let him go?
(long pause)
(laughter, glove-applause)
M: What the fuck -
K: Who put that question in there? Huh?
T: At first I thought I heard, good maximum duration.
K: I know. Hah!
M: Okay. I think I get it now... Shit. No, sorry, I don't get it. It's too -
(laughter)
T: Dudes.
K: (inaudible) (laughing)
M: As I was sayin'... Whooo. Damn. If that question is, like, how do you know when it's time to let him go and catch another one...
T: Let him go?
(laughter)
M: I know. Crazy talk.
K: Look, there just isn't a... magic number. Do what you're comfortable with.
T: But if they're gonna go past a couple months, they have to keep him from withdrawing.
M: Obviously.
K: If you wanna run hard -
T: Good one, K.
K: If you're gonna go full-bore... or if you can't help yourself yet -
(laughter)
K: Don't worry. You'll learn. We all... The halfway point will show up a lot quicker. Tease him right, work his ass up carefully, and - well, fuck.
M: That's it.
H: Next one. The most neglected part of a captive's body.
T: Oooooo, great question.
M: Forearms can be just as reactive as a guy's calves.
K: Face. Nose, chin, forehead -
T: Yeah. But you know how much of a charge it is to really work on a guy's spine?
(laughter)
M: All the way down.
K: Oh hell, yeah.
T: Sometimes, his scalp is surprising.
M: And almost every fuckin' rookie I know neglects his fingers. All those nerve endings... Don't let 'em off any easier than his toe-pads.
K: I'll second that. Yeah.
H: One more question -
(booing)
H: And we can start in on these terrified puddles of goo, right up here -
(glove-applause)
H: Things a brand new tickler should never forget.
K: Extra baby wipes.
(laughter, glove-applause)
M: K...
K: You know it. You asshole. C'mon.
M: Yeah, okay.
(laughter)
K: And don't rule out anything. You got time, bros. Use it. Even a washcloth might really surprise you.
T: Pulled out of his ass, real slowly.
(laughter)
T: Hey, I'm not kidding, here.
K: You ready, Most Ticklish? Huh?
(laughter)
M: Time. That's... You know, there's more than one way to think, "Man, I got all the time in the world with this son of a bitch." I guess I'm the only one up here who went through the old training schools. Good times... And hell, we definitely want thousands more of you fiends out there, rippin' it up. Everything changes. But one thing they really drilled into us was that the clock is just as much your captive as the meat.
T: Good one, M. Good shit.
(glove-applause)
K: The sooner they learn that, the better.
M: You can't let your original plan rule you. And you sure as fuck can't let his energy level get in your way. After a while there's no good excuse for being surprised by him fading out. None. You're cheating yourself, bigtime -
K: And him.
T: Oh, yeah. Try, try again.
(laughter)
M: If you see yourself reacting to him, pretty often, you fuckin' grab one of us and we'll be glad to help. Any old-timer will. We want 'em to suffer ten times as long - period.
(glove-applause)
T: And if you're bothered by... anything outside the cell, you need to pick a more private place.
(laughter, glove-applause)
K: All of 'em. What M said. A hundred times as long. They only get more ticklish -
M: If you know how to handle 'em.
K: They'll learn.
T: Oh, definitely. Be patient with yourself, ticklers. Just don't kill him. Any other mistake can be reversed.
(glove-applause)
M: Gotta learn one stroke at a time. Like we did.
H: And that's a good place to leave it. One stroke at a time, for these three fuckers. Haul in the other prisoners. We're gonna make 'em wail all night... Thanks a lot, each and every one of you leaders up here taking the questions. And I better know about each and every of you ticklers next month, when we take over the whole damn town of Savannah Falls!
(sustained glove-applause, sustained cheering)
H: Now, let's boogie.
(glove-applause)
(wails, squeals, forced laughter)
(sustained howling, hard laughter)
- END OF TRANSCRIPT -
30apr04